Don't worry, be happy … or unhappy – your choice!

People function mainly in and around their relationships – with family members, friends, colleagues, neighbours, even enemies and strangers. If someone could come up with a short “how to”-list to help us navigate these murky and perilous waters, it would not only be extremely helpful, but it could potentially turn into a goldmine for whoever is clever enough to design the steps to effortless relationships.

Just because I am kind like that, and of course because I don’t need money, I have decided to share my foolproof list free of charge with humankind. There is just one catch – my list of hacks will not help you to untangle the knotted mess of inter-personal relationships. It is rather the opposite: it serves as a prescription for anyone who desperately wants to be unhappy, alone and miserable. (Who am I to judge? It is everyone’s right to be anywhere on the scale of human emotions, isn’t it?) After all, if you drive everyone away from you, you won’t need to avoid the possible potholes in the relationship highway!

So, if it should be your heart’s desire to feel utterly rotten, despondent or gloomy, these are your stepping stones to fulfilment:

• Always think only of yourself.

• In every conversation, talk only about yourself, your achievements and good points. If a discussion veers towards anyone else, assert yourself.

• Use the words “I” and “me” as often as you can.

• Listen attentively to what others say about you, and believe everything you hear.

• Expect to be appreciated, thanked and praised.

• Never forget a favour you have done for someone else and make sure you tell everyone about it.

• Trust nobody – only you are perfect and know everything.

• In the unlikely event that you may have made a small mistake, do not apologize – it makes you look weak.

• Expect everybody to agree with your opinion. If they don’t, be angry and rude.

• Demand consideration and respect from everybody – and if you don’t get it, give way to self-pity.

• Sulk and complain if people don’t show admiration and appreciation for all your good deeds and achievements.

• Do as little as possible for others. It is your responsibility to allow them to help themselves.

• Never forgive a person who dares to criticize you.

• Expect life to treat you fairly.

• Love yourself above all.

This recipe is guaranteed never to fail. You don’t even need to follow all the steps – a select few should do the trick.

Of course, if you would rather be happy and contented, feel free to ignore all the suggestions in the list, or even better, consciously do the precise opposite.

As I said – it is your right to choose how high or low on the scale of happiness you want to be.