A thin-skinned litigation lawyer

I once heard something on Grey’s Anatomy (one of many classic Meredith voiceovers) that got me thinking:

There’s this person in my head. She is brilliant, capable. She can do chest tubes and craniums. She can run a code without freaking out. She’s a really good surgeon, maybe even a great surgeon. She’s me, only so much better and I’m afraid I’ll never become this person because something keeps getting in the way.

In this episode (episode 14 of season 4), Meredith was still fresh in her career. A young, soon-to-be brilliant surgeon. ‘Soon-to-be’ is the most crucial part of that statement. Of course, we know how Meredith’s career progressed (if you watch the show). And, looking back, we’re almost less affected by the self-doubt Meredith expressed in that episode because we’ve seen the end. But, we don’t get to do that in our own lives. We’re stuck in season 4 and the future might very well turn out to confirm our doubts.

Meredith’s self-doubt is nothing new to me - I can relate to it on many fronts of my day-to-day life. Being a 30-year-old litigation attorney can be tough. Add onto it the pressure of being the head of a litigation department, and being responsible for other people as much as you are for yourself. Am I good enough? Am I experienced enough? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have some innate inferiority complex. I know I have skills; valuable legal and personal skills that qualify me adequately for a career in law. I know that I have worked hard to get where I am and I understand full well that I will have to work harder than ever to stay here. That’s not an issue – I’ve never been afraid of hard work. The question lingers, however. Am I genuinely good enough? Do I genuinely know enough?

For as long as I have been in practice, seniors have told me to “grow a thicker skin”. And I have tried. I learned not to take most things personally. I learned that being questioned is healthy and a wonderful opportunity to not only confirm or adjust your own course but to get insight from people who may (or may not) know more than you. I have toughened up.

Most importantly, in the most recent years, I have learned that my ‘thin skin’ may very well turn out to be my greatest weapon. A weakness turned into a strength. A vulnerability turned invaluable. I now unshakeably believe that having a thin skin in law gives you the ability to genuinely and accurately understand your client’s position. I get to see, and to a very limited extent (therein lies the secret), experience the significant problem that has brought this client to my office. I get to put on a human hat and listen – listen to understand, not just to reply.

This has brought immense peace to the never-ending war inside my mind. And when I tried to understand this new peace, I realised that I didn’t come to this understanding by thinking about it; I got there by just doing what was necessary – by putting my head down and working, as best as I know how for clients in whose causes I genuinely believe. Day in, and day out.

I don't remember ever hearing or reading the second part of Meredith’s quote, but I saw it now:

It was a good day, maybe even a great day. I was a good doctor even when it was hard. I was the me in my head. There was a moment when I thought I can’t do this, I can’t do this alone but I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it and I did. I blocked out the fear and I did it.

And it made me smile.